When The Middle Isnt By Choice, Managing The Unknown
There’s a particular kind of torture in waiting for something you can’t control. Not the waiting itself, but the stillness it forces on you while your mind runs at full speed. That is what living in The Unknown feels like to me. I really struggle with The Unknown. When I’m in the middle of a situation, it is the most uncomfortable thing because there is nothing I can do. Knowing what to expect feels safe. Not knowing the outcome of a situation feels scary, unsafe. Recently, I experienced this exact situation.
This situation had the potential to upend my life, my career.
We all know what it feels like to wait for something that isn't in our control. But what happens when the stakes are the highest and there is truly nothing you can do? I did everything right. I followed every rule. And I still found myself waiting to find out if I’d lose my career. This is what that experience taught me about The Unknown.
In my work as a therapist, there are systems I follow to provide legal and ethical care to my clients. These systems allow clients who feel a clinician has done wrong to report them. Unfortunately this is what happened to me.
Without getting into the specific details, this allegation of wrongdoing was submitted by a client’s ex-partner who blamed me for their relationship ending. Even though I did not agree, the state regulatory board still had to do their job and began an investigation. I had to hire a lawyer, prepare my case, and hope that at the end of this process I could still do the job I’ve worked so hard to have. The seriousness of the situation really hit me after speaking with my lawyer. She laid out all of the possible outcomes which included potential revocation of my license to practice therapy. Now, logically I knew the allegations against me were false, but that didn’t take away the panic my body felt at the thought of losing my career. Yet the only way to move forward was through the systems set up to protect clients.
As with any procedural system, I had to wait not only for the investigation to be complete, but for the state to review my case. To be honest, the waiting period between the completion of the investigation and the state review wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Naturally, I still worried about what might happen, but at that point I was able to tell myself that nothing could make this part of the process move quicker. But then, the state review happened.
At this point it had been 4 months of this process. Finally, the state was reviewing my case. The state board had looked over my case and was going to discuss how to proceed. They decide if a case should be dismissed, discussed further for disciplinary action, or if further prosecution is needed. These meetings are public so I planned to attend the meeting to hear their decision. Unfortunately I was unable to attend but thought to myself that surely I would have an answer quickly after the meeting concluded. Looking back, I can see how desperately I needed to believe that, but it wasn’t true. I had convinced myself that I would receive a decision the same day as the meeting. This was the first adjustment I had to help myself through. To ease some of my anxiety I emailed the state review board and asked when I could expect to receive the decision. They let me know that I should receive an email with the decision within two weeks of the meeting. This is where I really struggled with uncertainty.
The longer it took to get that email, the more my mind panicked. My mind raced thinking “why is it taking so long?”, “does this mean they’re considering taking my license?”, and “what am I going to do if they do take my license?”. I never thought I would have to consider any of these questions. I’m a rule follower. I have never gotten in trouble for anything in my life, so this experience cracked the image I had always held of myself as someone who does everything right. I began to seriously question my abilities and whether I deserved to help others. My panic increased even more when the two week mark passed and I still hadn’t received the highly anticipated email.
During this period of time, I tried to get support from the people in my life. It was helpful for me to be able to talk about the stress I was feeling. I could vent about my frustrations and fears about the potential outcomes. However, there was still an element that I felt was missing. You see, most of my support system couldn’t quite understand my distress around the possibility of losing my license. They empathized with me but kept trying to tell me that “that probably won’t happen”. I know it was coming from a caring place, but to me it felt like they weren’t grasping the gravity of the situation. So even though I did have a support system, there was still a piece of me that felt misunderstood.Every day that passed was agony. I had to constantly remind myself that even though this part of the process felt different, that I still couldn’t make the email arrive any faster. This didn’t take away the anxiety of The Unknown, but it was what I could do in the moment.
Finally, the email arrived, FOUR WEEKS after the state review meeting. I could finally breathe again. I had the decision. Now I could finally take action and move forward. While reflecting on this experience I believe the inability to take action while having high energy anxiety is what is uncomfortable for me. Having this high energy and literally having nothing I can do with it (as it relates to the actual problem) is so hard.
And so, I hope that if you are going through something that feels uncertain or has you sitting in The Unknown then I hope you can give yourself the space to do what you can and release the rest. For me, talking with friends, reminding myself I had already done everything I could, and at times distracting myself with different creative ventures such as crocheting, knitting, and building Lego helped. These strategies allowed me to have some time to breathe. I noticed that there were moments where I forgot the weight of The Unknown. Releasing stress and worry is way easier said than done, I know. But keep practicing and using your resources like family, friends, and community for support.
-Nicole
