Don't Ask. Just Bring the Groceries.

A note for the reader: Please read Kristina’s post first, if you haven’t already. Thank you.

We talk a lot about community and showing up for each other. But what does that mean? And how does that actually look?

Most people will say "just tell me what you need" or "let me know if you need anything." I like to call this the "checkbox person," the person who says the thing they're supposed to say when in reality it doesn't offer any support to the person reaching out. If anyone were to say they weren't supportive, they could say "well, I told them to let me know!" It's a way of avoiding accountability and staying in their comfort zone, all while placing the responsibility back on the person asking for support.

Another way we might show up unintentionally unsupportive is with our emotions. It's important to be conscious of taking up emotional space when someone else is sharing with us. Kristina shared an instance with me where she was trying to tell her boss that she needed time off for surgery and recovery. Her boss began to cry, which might read as empathy on the surface. But Kristina still had work items that needed attention and in that moment, she felt like she needed to "take care of" or console her boss for the experience she was living through. It can be hard to compartmentalize our emotions in the moment, but it's worth practicing so we aren't taking up emotional space that isn't ours.

The thing is, individuals in stressful circumstances often don't know what they need. The sentiment is there, but the execution needs work. Instead of the phrases above, try "I'm bringing you dinner, does 5pm work?" or "I've bought your groceries and am on my way to your house." It might feel uncomfortable to make declarative statements like this, but it allows the person you're supporting to not have to make yet another decision.

A few practical notes: if you're bringing food, make sure you're bringing enough for the household. The caretakers deserve a meal too, their work is tireless and exhausting. Don't assume you'll be joining just because you're bringing it. Let the person decide if they want visitors. You never know what the day of healing was like for that person.

Our job as a community is to be a place others can turn to when in need. The tricky part is, many of us weren't shown how to care for someone coming to us with emotionally heavy topics. Depending on your family, you may have grown up where things were brushed under the rug, dismissed, or where you checked the box of "supportive friend." Sometimes it comes from society too: we don't want to show up unannounced, or with something our friend doesn't need. So think practical: groceries, dinner, their favorite beverage, and let them decide how long you can stay.

Finally, remember that every situation we go through changes us. If you're a woman recently diagnosed, going through treatment, or in remission, you are not the same woman you were before. Not because of cancer, but because living with or through something that is trying to kill you changes you. Everyone touched by these situations is impacted. The people living it change; the dynamics in families and friend groups change.

Change isn't bad, it's inevitable. We get to transform, change our minds, decide to do things differently, simply because we want to.

So next time you want to help, just bring the groceries.